Let's Talk About Suicide
Hopelessness can be a powerful liar. It tells people that they are alone, and makes people feel isolated, even if they are surrounded by love and support. In this state of mind, telling someone they are not alone can feel like a lie, too.
People who are thinking about suicide often don’t feel comfortable saying so. Their loved ones don’t know how to bring the topic up, or if they should. But there is hope: there are things we can do to help, and signs we can look out for.
Call 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or if this is an emergency, call 911 and ask for a CIT-trained officer.
Suicide Risk Factors
There’s no single cause for suicide. Instead, there are a number of risk factors-- characteristics or conditions that increase the chance that a person may think about suicide or die by suicide.
1. Health Factors
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Mental health conditions, including depression, substance use problems, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and schizophrenia
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Personality traits of aggression, mood changes, and poor relationships
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Serious physical health conditions including pain
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Traumatic brain injury
2. Environmental Factors
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Access to lethal means including firearms and drugs
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Prolonged stress, such as harassment, bullying, relationship problems, or unemployment
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Stressful life events, like rejection, divorce, financial crisis, other life transitions, or loss
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Exposure to another person’s suicide, or to graphic or sensationalized accounts of suicide
3. Historical Factors
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Previous suicide attempts
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Family history of suicide
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Childhood abuse, neglect, or trauma
Suicide Warning Signs
Being able to talk about how you and others in your life are feeling is an important part of suicide prevention. Checking in with each other and starting open conversations reduces the stigma around talking about mental health and suicide.
Often when people are thinking about suicide, there are signs we can notice in advance and help. You know yourself, and you know the people in your life. If you notice changes in behavior or mood that don’t feel right, or hear things in conversation that worry you, trust your instinct.
Here are a few warning signs to look out for. A note: if a person shows these signs, then suddenly seems to feel better, still check in with them. The sudden improvement might mean a person has decided to act on their suicidal thoughts and they feel relief about it. Starting an open discussion is the best way to learn what’s going on with someone.
1. Talk
Red Flag Statements:
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“All of my problems will be over soon”
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“I don’t feel like I belong”
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“No one can do anything to help me”
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“I just can’t do this anymore”
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“I feel like such a burden to everyone”
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“No one would care if I was gone”
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“I just want to go to sleep forever”
2. Behavior
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Sleeping all the time, or not sleeping much at all
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Isolating or withdrawing from family or friends
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Physical health complaints like aches and pains
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Reckless behaviors, including increased use of alcohol or drugs
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Loss of interest in things that were once pleasurable
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Change in appearance, appetite, or weight
3. Mood
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Desperation
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Overwhelming worry
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Anger
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Guilt or shame
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Worthlessness
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Loneliness
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Sadness
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Hopelessness
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Helplessness
How to Help
We at Together We Heal, Inc. believe that healing is possible. If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide, please call us at 316-247-0839 for a listening ear, or call 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or if this is an emergency call 911 and request a CIT-trained officer.
Connection and open conversations are important first steps to helping someone who is thinking about suicide.
How to have a conversation about suicide
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If you think someone is considering suicide, you can start a conversation with them about it, even if that feels like a scary thing to do. There are a few reasons for this:
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You want to know whether they’re in danger.
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Asking them gives them an opportunity to talk, and can help reduce their worry and shame.
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It shows you care, even if they are not thinking about suicide.
Remember, asking directly whether someone is considering suicide will not put the idea in their head.
The stigma around mental health and suicide can make these topics feel difficult to talk about. Stigma is different in every community, and many people feel that in their family, or their ethnic group, or their profession, there are some things that are just “not talked about”. If you think someone you know is considering suicide, it’s important to find a way to overcome that stigma and start the conversation anyway - you could save a life. For guidance or to make a plan, call 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
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How to Start
Before you begin this conversation, there are a few questions you may want to ask yourself:
1. What is the best time and place for this conversation?
You’ll want to choose a place where the person will feel comfortable and where you can have some level of privacy.
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2. Am I the right person to have this conversation?
If not, is there another loved one or family member whom the person might feel more comfortable talking to? Find them.
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3. How can I build trust?
The goal of the conversation should be for you to listen non-judgmentally. You’re here to find out what is going on and figure out how you can help. If you have stress or worry about having this conversation, think about how to best manage it. Try for a calm tone of voice, normal volume, and conversational rate of speech. Notice your body language - your stance, gestures, and eye expression. Maintaining natural eye contact reinforces that you’re listening.
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What to Say
“I’m worried about you. This is what I’ve noticed.”
“Recently, I’ve noticed some differences in you and I wanted to check in and see how you were doing.”
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It’s okay to start this conversation open-ended. Give the person a chance to share what’s going on. And when they talk, listen.
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“You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.”
“I may not understand exactly how you feel, but I care about your well-being and want to help.”
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Communicate your desire to help.
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“Are you thinking about suicide?”
“Sometimes people who experience x, y, z have thoughts of suicide. Do you?”
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Ask directly. It’s the best way to get an honest answer.
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“How often have you had these thoughts? When you have these thoughts, how long do they last?”
“Do you have a plan? Do you have the means to act out that plan?”
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Ask for more details. Take what they say seriously - the thought of suicide makes sense to that person.
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What Not To Say
“You’re not thinking of doing anything stupid, are you?”
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Avoid language that could shame the person and questions that would shut the conversation down. Your goal is to have the individual open up to you.
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“I understand exactly how you feel.”
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People considering suicide often feel alone in their feelings. Even if you think you may understand, it is best to not assume you know exactly how they feel.
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“Your life is so good! You have x, y, and z!”
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You may see the person’s life quite differently than they do, but their reasons make sense to them, and their perspective is different from yours.
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“It’s so hard for me to see you in pain.”
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Try not to make this conversation about you and your feelings. The person may already feel like a burden. Focus on them and their experiences.
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Know Yourself
Remember, your goal should be to listen non-judgmentally, find out what is going on, and figure out how you can help. As the conversation goes on, pay attention to whether you’re staying true to those goals. Are you starting to problem-solve because you’re nervous? Are you getting an overwhelming urge to start sharing your own feelings and stop listening? Stop, check yourself, and re-adjust.
If you learn in this conversation that this person is thinking about suicide, it’s important to help them stay safe. There are resources available that can help support their mental health, make safety plans, or intervene in an emergency. For support and guidance on how to help, call 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or if this is an emergency, call 911 and ask for a CIT-trained officer.
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*Sources: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)